Emotions of Unexpected Pregnancy
I sat in the bathroom, my heart racing. Fast and then faster. The kind of fast where you feel like your heart might just run out of your chest. I had just put my baby girl down for her nap. My mind filled with thoughts. I thought of the sweet baby that lay in her crib. Had she only been in our lives for four short months? She brought life to her beautiful room. I had specifically picked every little thing in her room because I wanted it to be a place of light, giggles, late night feedings, and love. I made sure all the color accents were just the ride shade of purple. We had been waiting for this baby, and I wanted to give her the world.
Tears started streaming down my cheeks as I looked at the pregnancy test sitting by the sink. One line had appeared, and then all too quickly, the second one did, too. The line was so bright, as if to say, "No mistake here. You're pregnant."
Pregnant. I'm pregnant. I am pregnant. Wasn't I JUST pregnant?
How could this happen? Getting pregnant the first time took extra doctor's visits, pills, calendars, disappointments, and dozens of negative pregnancy tests. The day we found out I was pregnant with my first, our tears were happy tears.
Now, my tears had turned into confused angry tears. I can't be pregnant. I need more time. I need my baby. She needs me and more time.
The first few weeks after I found out about my second pregnancy were some of the roughest in my life. I feel like I had stepped outside my body and was looking down at a very sad and lost version of myself. I felt like a rain cloud was following me, and I didn't know how to be a good mom to my small baby. I was happy one moment, but a total wreck the next. These feelings felt so foreign to me, a normally really happy person. Never before had I felt more than your normal sadness. Now, the word "depression" would occasionally pop in my mind.
One day I had to let it out. I acknowledged my sadness AND my anger. And I hated myself for having such bad feelings. I had wanted my first so so badly; why couldn't I feel the same way about my second? I had once been in the position of trying so hard to get pregnant, and every time I got a negative test my heart would ache. I had close friends and family who desperately wanted a baby. I was angry at myself for being angry.
I wish I could say I had a magical moment where it all went away and everything was perfect. I can't say that. But I can say this:
The anger went away. The sadness went away. The shock eventually went away.
Instead, I was scared. I was scared that I wouldn't love this baby as much as my first (even though I wanted to more than anything.) I wanted to love this baby with every fiber of me, but I was scared my heart wouldn't be in it. These fears lingered until the very moment my son was born. In that moment, all those sad feelings were replaced with a heart-twisting, feel-it-in-your-gut,WHERE have you been all my life because I missed you kind of love.
-There are days that I look back at "that hard time" as I call it when my husband and I are sharing our feelings at night. I wish I didn't feel guilty. I wish I had rubbed my belly more and just sat to feel his kicks. I wish I could give the pregnant me a hug and just hold her. I would tell her that the little boy in her belly would make her heart melt over and over again. I would tell her that this little boy filled every single inch of our home with joy. That the heart doesn't have a certain amount of love to give; that love has no limit.
-Written by Karim Jones